So my friend sent me a Valentine’s Day card. On the front is a black and white photo of a woman c. 1955 and the caption above her says “Valentine’s Day is crap. I don’t need a man around to validate my worth as a woman.” Fair enough.

I open it up. Inside: “I need a man around to pay for stuff.”

Now understand. I don’t take relationships lightly and I don’t date people for their money.

That said….

Awesome.

Emotional Maturity Defenders Unite

Now here's something to write about.

So there was a new guy I saw on match yesterday. Really cute, athletic, statuesque. I don't usually get statuesque but that's because people aren't usually as interesting and well-spoken when they spend every minute in the gym as when they have rounded lives. But this one owns a mountain retreat and B&B and does everything outside so he is in great shape "naturally". And he seemed really cool and interested in life.

So I favorited him (there's a thing you can click on to keep someone in your "file" as a favorite in case you want to contact them later).

Then, he saw that I favorited him and he contacted me. That was nice and he actually sent a very friendly note. Although Guys, why do you feel it's necessary to justify your contact with women by telling us in the first email how attractive we are? I put up with it if it's done in good taste, and I know you're trying to create some interest there, but honestly at this stage of the game it's way more appropriate to write and tell her what fascinated you about her profile.

Anyway. So he did say I seemed interesting but he also did the "you're very attractive so I'd really like to get to know you" thing, which no matter how deep a person is, Always sounds shallow. Whatever.

I reviewed his profile again and turns out the only huge red flag was that he smokes. DAMN it. So obviously I can't date him if he smokes but I was pretty disappointed about not being able to.

The yellow flag I saw was that his match handle was (name)69climber. He didn't seem like a perv but I've been appalled by much less player types before. Cite the 40-something English professor who was totally chaste in every interaction and then sent me the "nonfiction short story" about finding his mom's homemade porn when he was 12 and the fantasies and ultimate loss of his virginity that followed, complete with every gory detail of what ensued in the back of his car that 4 years later. This he sent without any warning and without having met me.

Let's just say I've learned that not everyone has the same sexual boundaries as I do, and I thought I should learn more about mountain guy 69's handle because of that. I figured either he wanted to make sure the 69 was in there to cue potential consorts--this happens all the time on match in the grotiest of ways; OR alternatively that it never ever in a million years occurred to him that his 69 could be construed sexually. Both possibilities are equally sad, of course, but sexual obliviousness is another blog for another day. My email's main concern was brazenness.

Whatever the reason for the 69 (there's an activity I never thought I'd need a justification for), I needed some clarification because anyone looking for quick action from me right now is going to be really frustrated when I don't put out. Not that I am totally out of the sexual loop right now, but people with profiles that tell me they're potential life partners are not the people I'm going to f---.

So I emailed him this:

"Hi ------,

"Thanks for your note. Very thoughtful. I was trying to figure out why I didn't write to you as I was looking over your email and profile. I think I finally figured it out (aside from the fact that I haven't had a lot of time the last few days). It was the smoking. Sorry if it sounds harsh. I thought I could date smokers at one point and had a partner who smoked only a few cigarrettes a day. I was wrong. It was really intrusive to the relationship and hard on my health to be around. I'm really sorry as it seems like we would otherwise do well to get to know each other, but it's one of the few things I know for sure I'm not willing to negotiate on. I have to say I did wonder, though, about your handle. Sorry if it seems critical; I just have had super weird experiences with men being very forward out of nowhere, so I'm getting a little bit gunshy with anyone whose handle even smacks of less propriety. I'm guessing either that occurred to you first thing or never, or you wouldn't have it on there:).

"All that said, I'm really very fun so sorry the smoking thing is a no-go. I hope you find someone awesome to spend time with up at your beautiful retreat.

"Peace:)"


You should know at this point that I have already managed to offend him. How do I do it? I am just so gifted with my femaleness and my mouth that opens and closes and has words coming out of my brain. Here's what he wrote back. The first part seems like he's going to be fine, and then it turns. Watch the buff mountain male in his natural emotional habitat:

"Thank you for responding so honestly about the smoking. As far as my screen name goes, my name is -----, I was born in 1969 and match recommended the word climber because it was an available name. There was no sexual overtones involved in the choosing of the screen name. I'll be honest, I didn't really appreciate the lecture. You have a great life and I hope you find who you are looking for. -----"

I know, it was suspenseful wasn't it? Didn't you think for a minute that he was going to be a grownup about it? Me too.

I was not planning to respond, but I figured since he already decided I give lectures, it would be fun to say something. I hate to disappoint my public. So here's what I sent (NOTE: re. last line, he has his business web site on the match profile, which is good networking sense…if you are nice to people online):

“There was no lecture. Occasionally people just wonder things and if they wonder them out loud they get more data. That's called communicating.

“But you flatter me to think a person can be as smart as I am without interacting and learning from others on a constant basis. Thank you for the vote of confidence.

“Best of luck to you as well, and do be aware that other women you interact with might have opinions in the future even if you manage to screen most of us out through internet venues. As a professional image consultant, a moment of free advice that I would offer anyone is not to advertise your business on the same site that you are doing personal matters on if something as tame as I sent is going to manage to offend you. You'll lose a lot of customers that way.

“See? That's what a lecture looks like. Glad I could clarify.”

And then I blocked him. Can I get an Amen?

Roses and Violets

For only the second time in my life, today I was given a poem by a boy. The first poem I ever received was from my much younger boyfriend of a couple of years ago. He had enormous depth. The one I received today is a double quatrain from the museum guy of last week.

You know, the guy I spent one hour with.

WTF.

The poem refers to me always being "of a sunny disposition", which only points out even more than I already knew how much he thinks he knows me. And how little he does. I responded graciously but I also pointed out in short order an example of me not being of a sunny disposition. The example I used was that of last weekend when I ripped a sexist asshole a new one in a bar during my date with Older Guy. I did not refer to the date obviously as that would have been in poor taste but the scene Asshole and I made was the point, not the date.

I wish I was flattered and I know this guy is smart and creative and making an effort. But the absolute 5th-graded courtship ideals and emotional immaturity of his choosings really get my goat.

I guess I just think maturity is really sexy.

The alternative is so not.

Okay, now that the Super Bowl results are in (which I wasn't watching but I was eating through most of it), another status report.

THE ENGINEER:
I finally got trashed enough on Thursday night to send him a coherent (I know, weird right?) email about how it hurts my feelings that he insists on pushing the issue of our compatibility. I also found a kind way to tell him how much his reservedness is Not going to get him the spunky, strong woman he wants in the world.

And I didn't even say, "No wonder everyone cheats on you". Go me.

He responded in his usual gracious way and said he'd respond more after The Bowl and that he didn't want to get bogged down in the email format either. But I know he'll write back more stuff that's crap and if there's a chance in hell of salvaging our friendship it will happen in person. So I just told him I'm done with us on email for a few weeks and I'll let him know when I have a weekend day off when I can talk about it.

I know, it's not a very interesting story. That's probably fairly telling.

I'll try to do better.

You gotta give me props for my horseshoes, though.

Horse Shoes

Okay back to the important stuff of datingridiculousness. Here’s the first of many status reports:

THE OLDER GUY:
Date #2 last night. It was super nice. Average restaurant, average bar, a little trepidation on his part (maybe on mine too, I can’t quite decide) and a little awkwardness looking for things to talk about at first since we don’t know each other well. And then it just clicked. This time we were drinking but last time we weren’t so I’m not chalking the ease of conversation up to booze. Last time it started a little slow too but then turned into 4 hours. Same thing this time. He was a total gentleman, which in this case included NOT walking me to my car. This was the gentleman’s high road in this situation because we both want to take things very slow, and we were at a hotel, and we would have had to walk a while to get to my car so being in a far-away parking lot at 1am would leave awkwardness or opportunity, and nothing else. We wanted neither.

The bad news: he’s still moving.

The good news: it’s only temporary as it turns out, until someone retires at his workplace and they have the open position they were anticipating for him. Also, his daughter still lives here anyway and he’ll be back and forth to see her at least every two weeks. I don’t have much time to begin with and it’s taken us the better part of two weeks to get to Date #2 anyway, so nothing’s really lost here.

A funny story came of the date, though. He’s moving today, and all his stuff was packed yesterday so he stayed in a hotel last night. I told him to get sorted out and let me know where he wanted me to meet him for dinner, somewhere nearby where he was staying. This was my tactful way of saying “I’m not meeting you in your hotel room.” He didn’t quite catch on, though. I didn’t want to make it a big deal, and I feel totally safe with him or I wouldn’t be going out with him in the first place, but I’ve never met a man in a hotel room before and I don’t intend to start now, so when he mentioned that I could just meet him at his room so I would have some time flexibility after my shift at work, which I understand was him (mostly) trying to be considerate, if a little clueless, I told him, “I’m not wearing my whore shoes, so I’ll just meet you at the restaurant.”

He thought I said horseshoes and couldn’t figure out what I was talking about. At the same time, I decided that my whore shoes comment was utterly inappropriate so I let him be confused and didn’t explain myself. I figured he’d forget it. He’d been moving all day and it seemed like a little thing like that would slip from his mind fast once we changed the subject.

He’s a Leo, a fixed sign that doesn't forget stuff. I should have known I wasn't off the hook.

When I got to the restaurant, he asked me about the horseshoes. I explained and he found my original comment wicked funny, but the cat was assuredly out of the bag. At this point I worried that the whole night would regress into some sex talk debacle, but it actually worked out really well because it acted as a release for any sexual tension building up while being completely understood that since I didn’t wear my “horseshoes”, we couldn’t possibly proceed any way but chastely. It also sets up a great precedent for future dates, since unless I tell him I have on my horseshoes, I’m totally out of the woods on the sexual pressure front.

I didn’t even know I was this strategic. I’ll likely use this tactic on other people since it worked out so well the first time.

For the record, I think this is the first time I’ve been out with someone twice and not so much as kissed him. Well, maybe he’s the third person in that category, but he’s the first person I liked.

Since Swayze's busy...

Okay, enough profiling on the dance front. I found a potentially great dance buddy. A guy I went out with waaaaaaay back in the day, super smart, very urban, ridiculous sexy, but way too forward for me at the time. In the last few months we’ve talked about hooking up, but our timing is always off. As a positive he’s easy enough to be honest with that when I was just burnt out on men and not wanting to give anybody anything, I just told him as much and told him I didn’t want to go out right then. He’s totally cool for that sort of thing.

I’m not pursuing anything real here—he’s kind of a whore really, despite his education and (real not simply intellectual) feminism. But he could come in handy in multiple ways because I might need someone to sleep with occasionally just to keep me happy while I’m getting to know other guys I’m more serious about and with whom I will not engage for now.

Most importantly, he dances. I thought he might so I checked with him yesterday and sure enough he does. He was just in the city dancing last weekend. Perfect. I won’t feel bad if I don’t sleep with him on any given night, but it will be a nice perk that I can.

...and the Pursuit of Dancingness

Hmm, What’s new today? Another day off finally and time to think. It’s sunny outside and above freezing, in a radical departure from the oodles of snow that have been the norm here. Maybe I’ll sunbathe in my long johns.

As is my way, today will be full of updates regarding the seedy life I lead.

First off, dancing.
This is the only weekend day I’m off for a while and I haven’t been dancing in over a month. I decided on my last birthday (or thereabouts) that life was not worth living if I was not going to go dancing once a month until I die, lack of swing dancing venues be damned, so I’ve actively pursued it since then.

Going dancing is a delicate cultural pursuit particularly from a dating perspective. 1)If I go by myself, I’ll never go and even if I did I’m not sure how much mojo I would muster. I’d work it out I guess but I’d still have to pay my cover charge and at least 1-2 drinks before the men figured out someone needed to take care of me for the evening. I’m thinking 2 with the cluelessness of men here.

2)If I go with women, we’ll have an awesome time. But then we have to find men to dance with at the club, which can be a sketchy pursuit at times, although now that I’m the ripe old age of ___ I feel entirely unthreatened by Velcro Boys who can’t seem to get off me because I can always find a way to get off of them. Also, there’s no guarantee that anyone’s buying our drinks if we don't take men along. Finally, I don’t have that many girlfriends and the ones I do have are usually gainfully busy, so it’s a tough sell to get them to go dancing.

3)If I go with men, I have someone paying for my drinks whether he dances or not. If it’s a real date I won't pay cover either, although if we're not clearly on a date I should be prepared to pay mine (and then be very gracious when he pays instead). If he is a good dancer, by which I mostly mean willing and reasonably confident in his abilities, then I have someone to dance with all night. The problem with the good dancer possibility is that he might expect me to dance with him all night. I’m not going to lie; I like dancing with different people through the evening. Now if I am with a REALLY good dancer, he will know it’s more fun to dance with different people and he will do it too. Also if he's a good dancer, I’m way less likely to want to dance with someone else.

I went dancing at Halloween and the guy I was with was not some super dancer but he was willing and having a great time so it was fun anyway. If I’m with someone passive who says he’ll go dancing but then doesn’t dance, I’m still going dancing. But then he’s stuck watching me dance hard with other men, which seems kind of lame. I don’t play when I’m dancing. Just because you’re not on the floor doesn’t mean I’m going to dance any less dirty. If you want some action you need to get up on it.

The thing is you never know which type you’re going out with until you’re on the dance floor, and by then you’re already in it for an evening.