Emotional Maturity Defenders Unite

Now here's something to write about.

So there was a new guy I saw on match yesterday. Really cute, athletic, statuesque. I don't usually get statuesque but that's because people aren't usually as interesting and well-spoken when they spend every minute in the gym as when they have rounded lives. But this one owns a mountain retreat and B&B and does everything outside so he is in great shape "naturally". And he seemed really cool and interested in life.

So I favorited him (there's a thing you can click on to keep someone in your "file" as a favorite in case you want to contact them later).

Then, he saw that I favorited him and he contacted me. That was nice and he actually sent a very friendly note. Although Guys, why do you feel it's necessary to justify your contact with women by telling us in the first email how attractive we are? I put up with it if it's done in good taste, and I know you're trying to create some interest there, but honestly at this stage of the game it's way more appropriate to write and tell her what fascinated you about her profile.

Anyway. So he did say I seemed interesting but he also did the "you're very attractive so I'd really like to get to know you" thing, which no matter how deep a person is, Always sounds shallow. Whatever.

I reviewed his profile again and turns out the only huge red flag was that he smokes. DAMN it. So obviously I can't date him if he smokes but I was pretty disappointed about not being able to.

The yellow flag I saw was that his match handle was (name)69climber. He didn't seem like a perv but I've been appalled by much less player types before. Cite the 40-something English professor who was totally chaste in every interaction and then sent me the "nonfiction short story" about finding his mom's homemade porn when he was 12 and the fantasies and ultimate loss of his virginity that followed, complete with every gory detail of what ensued in the back of his car that 4 years later. This he sent without any warning and without having met me.

Let's just say I've learned that not everyone has the same sexual boundaries as I do, and I thought I should learn more about mountain guy 69's handle because of that. I figured either he wanted to make sure the 69 was in there to cue potential consorts--this happens all the time on match in the grotiest of ways; OR alternatively that it never ever in a million years occurred to him that his 69 could be construed sexually. Both possibilities are equally sad, of course, but sexual obliviousness is another blog for another day. My email's main concern was brazenness.

Whatever the reason for the 69 (there's an activity I never thought I'd need a justification for), I needed some clarification because anyone looking for quick action from me right now is going to be really frustrated when I don't put out. Not that I am totally out of the sexual loop right now, but people with profiles that tell me they're potential life partners are not the people I'm going to f---.

So I emailed him this:

"Hi ------,

"Thanks for your note. Very thoughtful. I was trying to figure out why I didn't write to you as I was looking over your email and profile. I think I finally figured it out (aside from the fact that I haven't had a lot of time the last few days). It was the smoking. Sorry if it sounds harsh. I thought I could date smokers at one point and had a partner who smoked only a few cigarrettes a day. I was wrong. It was really intrusive to the relationship and hard on my health to be around. I'm really sorry as it seems like we would otherwise do well to get to know each other, but it's one of the few things I know for sure I'm not willing to negotiate on. I have to say I did wonder, though, about your handle. Sorry if it seems critical; I just have had super weird experiences with men being very forward out of nowhere, so I'm getting a little bit gunshy with anyone whose handle even smacks of less propriety. I'm guessing either that occurred to you first thing or never, or you wouldn't have it on there:).

"All that said, I'm really very fun so sorry the smoking thing is a no-go. I hope you find someone awesome to spend time with up at your beautiful retreat.

"Peace:)"


You should know at this point that I have already managed to offend him. How do I do it? I am just so gifted with my femaleness and my mouth that opens and closes and has words coming out of my brain. Here's what he wrote back. The first part seems like he's going to be fine, and then it turns. Watch the buff mountain male in his natural emotional habitat:

"Thank you for responding so honestly about the smoking. As far as my screen name goes, my name is -----, I was born in 1969 and match recommended the word climber because it was an available name. There was no sexual overtones involved in the choosing of the screen name. I'll be honest, I didn't really appreciate the lecture. You have a great life and I hope you find who you are looking for. -----"

I know, it was suspenseful wasn't it? Didn't you think for a minute that he was going to be a grownup about it? Me too.

I was not planning to respond, but I figured since he already decided I give lectures, it would be fun to say something. I hate to disappoint my public. So here's what I sent (NOTE: re. last line, he has his business web site on the match profile, which is good networking sense…if you are nice to people online):

“There was no lecture. Occasionally people just wonder things and if they wonder them out loud they get more data. That's called communicating.

“But you flatter me to think a person can be as smart as I am without interacting and learning from others on a constant basis. Thank you for the vote of confidence.

“Best of luck to you as well, and do be aware that other women you interact with might have opinions in the future even if you manage to screen most of us out through internet venues. As a professional image consultant, a moment of free advice that I would offer anyone is not to advertise your business on the same site that you are doing personal matters on if something as tame as I sent is going to manage to offend you. You'll lose a lot of customers that way.

“See? That's what a lecture looks like. Glad I could clarify.”

And then I blocked him. Can I get an Amen?