A friend just wrote me who I went out with around Christmas. We get along famously online, perfectly you might even say. We are attracted to each other (him more than me, but whatever) and share every relationship value I can think of. The problem is that in person, even when he thinks he's comfortable and effusive and friendly, you could walk by our table and think we're in a business meeting. He feels very connected to me but he gives none of that vibe off in person. He thinks I'm really hot, too, and you'd never know he finds me attractive at all if you sat next to us. I know he does and I don't even believe it when we're in the same room.
He wanted to check in and see how things are going. He's a total gentleman, is not trying to put the moves on me by writing, and totally appreciated my feedback at New Year's when I told him the "business meeting" effect he put out there.
He's nothing but kind. We are totally incompatible, though, because while I make people feel like rock stars when they're around me, it comes from being enthusiastic and demonstrative with them, which he is not and which I deserve to have someone be for me. I am, after all, awesome in almost every way.
He has had a few significant relationships, including a long marriage that ended years ago. Everyone he's ever been with has cheated on him and he never knew it was coming any of those times. After going out with him twice, I know why they would. I would have to cheat on him too if I were going to be in relationship with him. In word, and I'm sure in heart, he was in love with his partners. He was very close to in love with me when we were in touch. When he is in a room with you, though, he gives off no affectionate vibes at all.
Affection is the fuel that feeds the soul and if it's not there, there's nothing to draw on when times get hard. Affection is a good thing. We are made to use it as a deposit when things are fine so that when things get stressful, we can remember that fire. I think that although he would have never left one of his relationships in the midst of general difficulty, he remains too reserved (and totally uninterested in changing that part of himself) and so will only ever attract someone who can deal with a very artificial, minimal level of affection. This of course means he'll find someone who is scared and/or shut down, and probably not very smart or real.
He's both smart and real but has not matured at the level required to recognize that his reservedness is not an innate character trait but a response to how he was raised. His upbringing by very reserved parents passed on a fearful behavioral mode from which progress through communication, momentary conflicts, and removing your poker face bring.
This is a sad state of affairs.
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