Sex Toy Marketing Review #1

Okay, so my friend wants me to write about the Cry Baby vibrator she found on the Toys in Babeland website. Here are my thoughts.

First off, as cute and hot pink as CB is, it seriously needs a new marketing directress.

Seriously. I spent like 20 minutes trying to figure out what element cried. This will sound completely lame, and for anyone who knows me, you know I am way more savvy and sexually enlightened than this, but here's what I thought. I thought it was saying you could turn it on and have sex and it would not only let your partner help you along, it would send out waves of crying baby sounds for your neighbors to hear so you could be loud.

Why, you ask? Because the biggest sexual problem I have is volume restriction most of the time. So my problem-solving, gadget-having mind just goes there.

I know I'm dense. But no one ever said datingridiculous was anything less than that.

I really don't know what I was thinking. The line of logic I used to come to the above conclusion can only be mirrored in dream states, and I was fully awake when I looked into this. I'm dumb as a box of rocks sometimes. I just figured if it was THAT good a vibrator one would need some sound muffling.

In reality of course the CB is just a regular old remote control vibrator. Sure the stories on the web site are interesting, but really how is it respectful to your partner, Mr., to give your friend the remote while your wife is prepping a freaking dinner party for you. Are we in the freakin' Sultan of Brunei's house now? Jesus Lord, guys. If you learned how to do her right in the first place, you wouldn't need to spend $69 (cue Beavis and Butthead for actually ironic pricetag laughter here) and push some buttons just to push hers.

Here's a more useful idea, Gentlemen. Figure out how long it takes you to make $69 at your job. Now take that amount of time and do that thing she likes for that amount of time.

Better yet, assume you don't know jack about what she likes and invest your $69 of time in listening to her suggestions until you, well, hear her out. Or wear her out. Or whatever needs to happen.

Bon amour.