Remember the engineer I went out with at Christmastime? The one who was super sweet and affectionate online, and who was so cold in person you'd have thought we were in a business meeting?

Yeah. So he wants to get into a discussion about why I don't want to date him. He wants to conduct said conversation online. This cannot result in good things. Am I right?

Plus, even for the most openminded person, there comes a time when someone repeating why they don't want to date you becomes insulting. We are close to that point for him. Of course he doesn't see it because he A)really wants to figure this out and B)wants me to come around.

So he wrote me a drunk email this evening (which he gets points for, incidentally, because he's otherwise a nerdy engineer guy with too much composure). In it he lays out the reasons why--he believes--I think he's a big skunk. He then writes several additional paragraphs telling me how cool I am, how hot I am, and showers me with various effusive compliments.

For my part, I am stuck on the assumptions and his interpretations of what I've said, none of which are reflective of how I feel. What I do feel at this point are some hurt feelings, but before I realized my feelings were hurt I replied with an edict to officially stop our conversation on the subject because it was getting less healthy, and my ideas less understood, and someone was going to get hurt soon...probably both of us.

I don't mind being his friend but I'm not going to explain why I don't want to date him. (You will recall I already TOLD him why I didn't want to date him.) If it comes to that, I'm just not going to talk to him. If time changes my mind and I want to date him later and he's available, fine. But he doesn't get to decide that. F that.

Sex Toy Marketing Review #1

Okay, so my friend wants me to write about the Cry Baby vibrator she found on the Toys in Babeland website. Here are my thoughts.

First off, as cute and hot pink as CB is, it seriously needs a new marketing directress.

Seriously. I spent like 20 minutes trying to figure out what element cried. This will sound completely lame, and for anyone who knows me, you know I am way more savvy and sexually enlightened than this, but here's what I thought. I thought it was saying you could turn it on and have sex and it would not only let your partner help you along, it would send out waves of crying baby sounds for your neighbors to hear so you could be loud.

Why, you ask? Because the biggest sexual problem I have is volume restriction most of the time. So my problem-solving, gadget-having mind just goes there.

I know I'm dense. But no one ever said datingridiculous was anything less than that.

I really don't know what I was thinking. The line of logic I used to come to the above conclusion can only be mirrored in dream states, and I was fully awake when I looked into this. I'm dumb as a box of rocks sometimes. I just figured if it was THAT good a vibrator one would need some sound muffling.

In reality of course the CB is just a regular old remote control vibrator. Sure the stories on the web site are interesting, but really how is it respectful to your partner, Mr., to give your friend the remote while your wife is prepping a freaking dinner party for you. Are we in the freakin' Sultan of Brunei's house now? Jesus Lord, guys. If you learned how to do her right in the first place, you wouldn't need to spend $69 (cue Beavis and Butthead for actually ironic pricetag laughter here) and push some buttons just to push hers.

Here's a more useful idea, Gentlemen. Figure out how long it takes you to make $69 at your job. Now take that amount of time and do that thing she likes for that amount of time.

Better yet, assume you don't know jack about what she likes and invest your $69 of time in listening to her suggestions until you, well, hear her out. Or wear her out. Or whatever needs to happen.

Bon amour.

What We Learn From Sarah

We have the weirdest mix of music playing at my work. It's an idiosyncratic mixture of obscure lounge music intermingled with Top 40 hits.

And then, occasionally, there's Sarah.

Today I heard her (MacLachlan, as if there is another Sarah whose music is worth taking up valuable blog space) new song. The bad news AND the good news both are that even Sarah is dealing with an uncommunicative man. Somehow this makes me feel at once redeemed and sane that she and I are having the same problem, and fatalistically resigned to the debacle that is my dating life never getting better.

Plus, Sarah's man is the same one she's had all along. I don't know if it makes me more depressed that she's been with the same man for 15 years, seen him through cancer, writes him ballads on a regular basis, is pretty and rich and compassionate and has the voice of a goddess, and he still won't talk to her.

OR if it's more depressing to consider that I can't land someone for more than 2 weeks whether I sleep with him or not. I'm guessing that's something I should think as little about as possible no matter what conclusion comes of it.

Well, I can't reinvent the wheel yet, so I'm sticking to men as of today. I have enough to deal with without finding out women are just as bad. That's an illusion I need to maintain just a little bit longer. I'd make an exception for Sarah, but she's so busy with ASPCA advertisements. My ears aren't near as floppy as they need to be to get on that set.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this madness, though. Or in my sanity.

Men (*&(^&^#)*_#&*&^&@^ Suck. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm so f'ing fed up with men right now. Every time I think someone will be reasonable and nice and an adult, he isn't. I got this email from my slightly older date yesterday saying his job was eliminated. He has to move to a new location where his employer does business or he's out of a job entirely. Right now is obviously not the point in history when looking for a job is ideal, so off he goes.

Apparently he wants to talk to me about it. "Needs" to, even. Why me? I don't know. But I don't really care. In all honesty, I am fond of him and complimented that he values me enough to consult my heart and/or brain on the issue. I also appreciate that he cares enough to keep me apprised of such a big thing after one single date with me...since it does affect me.

I email him back and offer to get together.

Guess what happens next...
Really? You've learned nothing from this blog?

Oh, now you got it. He didn't respond. What the f? I realize he's busy. He's suddenly moving, he's suddenly out of work or training for another job, he suddenly in whatever court battle has to go on for him to reset custody arrangements for his daughter's well-being. And he's suddenly thinking through his life in a new place after he has only just started getting settled here a year in.

I do not dispute these things.

But he should not have told me he had something "very important to discuss" with me if he wasn't going to follow up and at least give me a timeline of when that conversation might occur. What the F?

Okay, I'm done railing about that. There are many other things that need railing about and I must get to those before work tomorrow.

Is it really better?

I was thinking tonight about the friend I cast off at Christmastime for his ridiculous emotional pushing and pulling of me. I'm sad to learn many weeks and even more dates than that later that he's not even close to the least healthy person I've been out with in the last three months. Not even close.

He was different with me than he was with other people or by himself. He was fed in a deep way by our coexistence that I feel sure he had never been before. The change was psychically jarring to be sure, and it's why he couldn't sustain in our relationship, but it's also what makes it so sad that he couldn't. I did love him very much and we always fit together well. We made a great deal of sense together.

It's sad that people don't know what to do or how to be loved. It hurts my core, too often.

The good news is the guy I accidentally emailed three times the other day (i.e. too much) is not dead and not ignoring me.

The bad news is he's moving.

The also bad news is he dumped all this on me, said he wanted to talk about it, and then didn't follow up in a timely way so now I'm in limbo on the story.

So here's my public service announcement for the day for anyone this isn't obvious to:
DON'T tell someone you want to talk about something important and then NOT get in touch. People are waiting on you. What The F?

I understand he has a hugely busy schedule and probably did not want me to stumble upon his profile and see he was moving to _______ without him telling me. I appreciate that. Really I do. But if you say you want to talk to me about it and then you don't get in touch and don't tell me when you're going to get in touch, you are wasting my energy. Not cool. I think I'll email him right now and suggest he use a different tack next time. Hold down the fort for me.

What's Behind Door #527?

Maybe we should rename my blog No Dice. I went to the museum to see the engineer and he was entirely uninteresting. He doesn’t take any control of a situation, only opened the door for me twice out of quite a number of doors even though it says right on my profile that I appreciate people doing that, and he just isn’t very imaginative or playful from the third-party observer perspective. He has never been even close to poor so he has no grasp on the reality that poverty provides, and he doesn’t really inhabit his body too much.

I used to date someone else like that. Both of these men do imaginative things for a living but the imagination doesn’t spill into their relationships with others somehow. Weird. To be fair, I did date another engineer one time who I went out with once NOT on a date and it didn’t even occur to me that we would date. He asked me out two months later for what I only learned later was to be a date and we totally hit it off that second time. I fell completely and utterly in love with him and he broke my heart after four months because the timing was bad for him to get into a relationship.

Of course two years and multiple similar excuses later by myriad men, I say to that, Cry Me A River.

At any rate, if Museum Guy had been more outgoing and take-charge and in his body, I think it would have been fine. He’s probably my height or an inch shorter, and he seems to be very aware of that. He's good-looking if he had the confidence to carry himself around but he doesn't. I know it’s hard being a shorter man. I realize this but I don’t want to carry his problem with being short around with me. I need someone strong and who can stand up to me, and he has not been conditioned to do that, which seems to be due to his being a short man in this culture...if I may offer my hypothesis for today.

I think he was a little surprised I was gracious when we parted ways, but of course I would be. I'm not a bitch and he was a gentleman to me, so of course I was nice. We had a fine time and if he were more in my face it would have worked well. But he wasn’t.

I did pontificate about the patriarchal vibe in my geographic area for a while, so maybe that will keep him from pursuing anything. If it doesn't, I'll have to let him down.

Precious

A boy I met online (on CL, not match, and yes I’m pretty sure he’s literate and not a perv) invited me for tea this evening. So quaint. He really didn’t tell me in enough time to go and I know I have to start training dates better than I have been lately to anticipate that I might have plans, lest I keep attracting those who function solely in planless space. So I told him no but I offered him the option of going to an art museum tomorrow or having tea next week when I am free again. He chose the museum.

This is good two ways. First, he is not trying to play games and be stand-offish timewise just to keep distance between us and be "cool" about the dating process. Second, he likes museums! What a lovely boy. And he sent me a sweet anticipating email to confirm.

What do I know of him? Actually fairly little. I googled him and he is an engineer type but I can’t tell doing what. Nonetheless, he is employed and highly literate/intelligent according to the email complexity I have been dealing with. He is very excited and he doesn't even know how pretty or fun I am yet. He only really knows the ringer I put people through on my match profile, since I referred him to it to introduce myself. He was intrigued and more importantly comfortable with everything on it. And it's a pretty commitment-heavy profile not for the faint of heart.

His claim to fame is dually that he can happily put a tent together drunk in the rain, which I feel sure is a skill I will need access to at some point, and that he listens to bluegrass at a local pub on Wednesday nights. He also happens to appear totally in my league of cuteness, which would be a super bonus if he were nice. Maybe he'll be awesome and not an asshole. That would be rad.

Barking Up Assertive Trees

I got a hit on match from a guy whose only turn-off listed was "Assertiveness/Boldness". Did he not read my profile? Can I get an Amen from every single person I've ever dated? So in my assertive way, I wrote him back thanking him for his wink and letting him know I am probably the most relationally assertive person he will ever like and that we would be a bad match if he doesn't like assertiveness in a woman.

He thanked me for taking the time to reply, no doubt because most times people just don't respond on match if they aren't interested (and sometimes even if they are, which is another blog topic for another day).

Apparently at some moments, people really DO like polite, considerate, and clear communication.

But now I'm confused...isn't that what assertiveness was all along?

So Close, and Yet.....

A friend just wrote me who I went out with around Christmas. We get along famously online, perfectly you might even say. We are attracted to each other (him more than me, but whatever) and share every relationship value I can think of. The problem is that in person, even when he thinks he's comfortable and effusive and friendly, you could walk by our table and think we're in a business meeting. He feels very connected to me but he gives none of that vibe off in person. He thinks I'm really hot, too, and you'd never know he finds me attractive at all if you sat next to us. I know he does and I don't even believe it when we're in the same room.

He wanted to check in and see how things are going. He's a total gentleman, is not trying to put the moves on me by writing, and totally appreciated my feedback at New Year's when I told him the "business meeting" effect he put out there.

He's nothing but kind. We are totally incompatible, though, because while I make people feel like rock stars when they're around me, it comes from being enthusiastic and demonstrative with them, which he is not and which I deserve to have someone be for me. I am, after all, awesome in almost every way.

He has had a few significant relationships, including a long marriage that ended years ago. Everyone he's ever been with has cheated on him and he never knew it was coming any of those times. After going out with him twice, I know why they would. I would have to cheat on him too if I were going to be in relationship with him. In word, and I'm sure in heart, he was in love with his partners. He was very close to in love with me when we were in touch. When he is in a room with you, though, he gives off no affectionate vibes at all.

Affection is the fuel that feeds the soul and if it's not there, there's nothing to draw on when times get hard. Affection is a good thing. We are made to use it as a deposit when things are fine so that when things get stressful, we can remember that fire. I think that although he would have never left one of his relationships in the midst of general difficulty, he remains too reserved (and totally uninterested in changing that part of himself) and so will only ever attract someone who can deal with a very artificial, minimal level of affection. This of course means he'll find someone who is scared and/or shut down, and probably not very smart or real.

He's both smart and real but has not matured at the level required to recognize that his reservedness is not an innate character trait but a response to how he was raised. His upbringing by very reserved parents passed on a fearful behavioral mode from which progress through communication, momentary conflicts, and removing your poker face bring.

This is a sad state of affairs.

I’m so excited. There is actually someone on match who seems to already know how to dress himself—no small feat where I live--, is cute, articulate, can communicate what he wants in a way that seems to say he’ll appreciate it when he finds it, and is divorced not a NBM (never been married, which I have learned is the key to cluelessness in 30-something men). This is delicious.

The only problem? He has “Long Hair” listed as a turn-off. For those of you who don’t know, match has a list you can check off items for, as turn-ons or turn-offs. Long Hair is his only listed turn-off so I’m thinking it might be rather an important one…and of course I have long hair. Hmm. And my photos online are quite modest compared to what you get in person, which is partly so I don’t get people who just want some nice ass and partly so people get a nice surprise when I walk in the door. But I have long hair. It would be such a freaking shame if this became the reason we didn’t meet. I’ll keep you apprised. Maybe he meant like super long hair that isn’t groomed. I can’t wait to find out.

Anyway, I hope something works out. He seems like a definite lover of life, has some money so that would be one less stress in getting to know him, isn’t a totally scary sign (ok he’s a Pisces but they either are a complete mess upfront and easy to peg, or prove to be flexible enough for the ridiculous likes of me), and is in pretty good shape. Also he’s bald and I have to tell you, now that I’ve dated 2 bald men both of whom I’ve been very fond of, I sort of miss them. Not that I don’t like a good head of hair, but I like a man who can make a bald head sexy. It requires a little effort in a way that having hair doesn’t, and around these parts where men never even learn how to tie their shoes properly or the sexiness of a button-down shirt, it’s nice to see efforts being made.

You go guys!

Kinda Like Unicorns

Kinda Like Unicorns

I told my therapist about the cook debacle this week, and she said amid my huge walrus tears related to generally getting the same nonsense from yet another unprepared person who responded to my profile (which, for the record, begins, "Real relationship, anyone?") that what happened had nothing to do with me. Furthermore, she reminded me yet again that there are people out there who are capable of having relationships and who communicate. Of course she is alone and not pursuing relationships herself, so I am hoping these people really exist but I have no empirical evidence to confirm such.

I could have sworn my last (real) partner was one of them…of course, then he bailed after making huge efforts on our behalf for a year, so whatever. I choose to believe my therapist, as it seems way better to live in search of those people than to choose the only alternative to the search, which is to decide they don’t exist and write the whole thing off.

So then I was telling my friend what the therapist said, and my friend summed up the concept well and succinctly: “Oh, kinda like unicorns.”

Yeah, kinda like unicorns.

So my friend is being courted by this super-sweet, super personable, friendly, thoughtful, good-looking guy who she isn’t interested in. What to do. She is more interested in her ex-boyfriend of 6 years who cheated on her and threw her down some stairs and was the inadvertent cause of her losing 20 pounds in a few months’ time due to the general anxiety asscoiated with being in such a sick person's life. She’s quite tiny now; this was apparently not the case before. Don’t get me wrong; been there, done that, was that for Halloween. But at least redistribute the nice guy so someone else can have him. So now she’s back with the ex, or flirting with that option, even though she is not yet conscious that they are really back together. That’s the word on the street. She tells me she wants to “take things slow” with the new guy; same line I got when the tables were gender-reversed, from my last “friend” in the same situation who was still waiting around for his undemonstrative, uncommunicative, unloving ex to turn around and run back into his arms, all the while keeping me on a string and alternatively playing love and total denial that we were in a relationship. And yes I did learn not to do that anymore.

But back to my current friend. I told her to send her reject to me, because I could do a lot with someone who makes an effort. He’s sweet, age-appropriate, remembers everyone’s name even after meeting us only once, and sees the very good in her. I get the sense that he’s smart too, though I don’t know for sure. And what the hell? He’s even super cute. Right f’ing on.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am going through noncommittal men like it’s going out of style and can’t find a single sweet guy who does the work involved to be in a relationship, or would even know what it looked like if it hit him in the 'nads. WTF. The last guy I told you about the other day disappeared because he was “feeling awkward with the way things were developing”. Which is to say, in no uncertain terms since he was doing 80% of the pursuing, that he was going to fall in love in another week and he couldn’t have dealt with that. They always fall in love or run screaming away in horror in three weeks with me. It's more predictable than gravity. I am exaggerating not at all here. It happens Every. Single. Time., and if you are starting to get the breadth of how many people I date, you can grasp the number of times this theory has been tested.

And now you know why I go through so many people.

DUMPED LIKE A TRUCK

Ah, the cook. Here we go. So from the first time we went out, two weeks ago today, he has called me every day. Even when he told me to call him, he has still called me. I love that. LOVE. I love that someone didn't feel the need to start his stopwatch in order to figure out how long he needed to wait so he didn't look needy. If you want to call me, for godsake do it.

Every day he called. Until yesterday. Friday he had shown up at my work unannounced, which I found sweet and not creepy at all given that he was coming over that way for some errands, my work is in a public location, and we had been having trouble touching base due to my work schedule. Man who takes initiative during courtship? Check.

Through the course of the day and evening, he invited me over three times to stop by informally if I got done with my own stuff. I finally reminded myself it was conceivable that he meant it and that I am not so powerful that others have to lie to me about wanting me around. Get over yourself, right?

Right. So, I saw him Friday night in what was a weirdly vibed set of moments. I thought I would be busy running about that evening, but I ended up with some time and dropped by his place to see him and his little friend who just had a baby. Yay babies. Congratulations and beer all around. I did have to remind myself that just because I wasn't giving him 8 hours notice, he had welcomed me over and it was really fine for me to be there. The thing was, then his friend left, he fell asleep (right after I opened wine, argh), and I went home. Cool, that's fine. I'd had a long day. But nothing after that. No call, and no call today...and today we were supposed to cook so that is officially called standing me up. WTF. I'm really hot, really nice, compassionate, kind, super funny, super smart, great in bed. So what's the deal?

I wonder what it is about dating that makes us all stupid. I am probably the smartest dater I know, and I currently feel like I’m shooting blanks. Pardon the verbiage. We are so tied up in our stuff, or in other people’s stuff, that we can’t figure out which is which. I finally feel like I got to the bottom of some issues tonight sitting around at home. I know, why am I not out on a Saturday night? Well, I didn’t have anyone worth giving Saturday night to, that’s mostly it. After the debacle that was my New Year’s Eve date, I have definitely established that it is worth parsing out my prime social time, even if it means spending that time alone. I’ll tell you more about the debacle later. It wasn’t how you would have thought. It actually involved no drinking (W?), no kissing (WTH?), and being abandoned in 10-degree cold at the bus stop downtown in the dark (WTF?). Yes really, and yes this was an attractive, humble person with a good job who was attracted to me as well and whose profile you never would have guessed such behavior from. But there you have it anyway…”serious about a real relationship” my ass. I can either decide every man is like him and never take another risk, or I can be surprised once in a blue moon with how ridiculous one guy is and keep going and assume the human race is not a bunch of assholes. I choose the latter.

But I digress. What I was getting at is I was talking to a bunch of people about why I find dating so confusing lately, and writing about it to figure it out, and I think the issue is primarily the important recipe dating requires – and that relationships require – between empathy and sympathy. Most of us utilize one or the other or neither. Empathy of course is feeling what other people feel, or at least having an awareness that other people have feelings. Often those of us who are empathetic fail to remember that others may have different feelings than we would have in the same circumstances, or we fail to keep our own bleeding hearts intact and the boundaries between what we feel for others in their life dramas and what they feel have very little mediation between them. Not surprisingly, women are culturally trained to do this, both to weaken us and to support tenets of civilization without which we would spiral into utter chaos. This does not mean, of course, that men couldn’t be empathetic, or are any less naturally sensitive, or that every woman is giftedly empathetic herself. Far from it. But there remains the social construct for now.

Sympathy on the other hand is an entirely different animal. I am the daughter and former partner of two different sympaths. Sympaths hear what you are going through and feel bad about it, but the inner dynamics of what you are dealing with are foreign to them. Your experiences will never be theirs; they simply don’t have that type of integrative ability and every experience you have, regardless of how close it is to something they have gone through, will seem fresh and new to them. The best sympaths are curious and compassionate, use their sympathy to stretch and make their worlds bigger, and appreciate you for bringing it to them. The best empaths learn to use their integrative abilities to bring people together without destroying their own selves in the process.

So dating and relationships seem to be that delicate dance. It is one part giving people what we would want in order to feel loved, partly because that’s how we know to love and partly so we stay aware that relationships are largely about learning that love is a verb and we love by doing. And the second part of the dance is learning what people need that is totally different from what we need, and trusting that even though it’s different from us, we can stretch ourselves to love them the way they need to be loved, without taking on that difference as a threat to our own love languages. Sometimes this is easy and an awesome, exhilarating adventure, and other times it’s terrifying.

Personal preference for adventure comes into play here too. My NYE date was not an adventurer, for instance. He was committed to being unhappy, as it turned out, and so every time I brought up something exciting or positive or exploratory, he would shut down. It was important to his way of life not to do anything new. That was his safe space. I dated this other guy for a few weeks, with whom I had loads of relational and philosophical and professional stuff in common. And after awhile he really opened up online and gave me some nice compliments that were a bit more forward than he had felt comfortable (or than would have been appropriate) when we first met. But then when we got in the same room again, an onlooker would have thought we were in a business meeting. He was totally ecstatic inside that I we were out together, but he didn’t give me any of that on the outside. So he was complimentary, enthusiastic, open, talkative, etc. on line, and offline he was as skittish as a cockroach near a shoe. After date #2 it was clear he was not going to get any more open, and yet he had made passes at me online. Nice ones, but still definitely passes that should be followed up. And yet, after date #2, he emailed me a glowing report of how good a time he had. Well, my love language is having someone light up when I come in the room. I’m pretty damn fun and charismatic and welcoming, and I work hard to make sure the people around me feel like they’re the most important people in a room. This is no doubt why I get asked out a lot, and why I get asked out again a lot, even by people I have nothing in common with. I make people feel like rock stars. But I told him you can’t treat me that openly online and then treat me that reservedly in person and expect me to know you are totally turned on or excited to see me or whatever. I’m only going to live like 55 more years or something and I don’t have that long to wait for you to work up your nerve to smile at me. That’s my love language. I have like a million of them, but that’s one I won’t put up with missing out on. If I’m going to make someone else feel special, I expect the same in return. Life is too short to not be excited and not show people you care about them if you do.

In other news, I just stopped seeing a cook. It didn’t quite work; we took it a bit too fast, it’s as simple as that. I don’t know if it would have worked long-term, but I bet we would have dated a while and then become friends. Maybe we still will be. We slept together a little soon. I didn’t realize he hadn’t been with anyone in a while, honestly, not that I would have in the tiny amount of time it took us to get into bed together. But the thing is cooks are UHMAZING lovers. If you ever have opportunity to sleep with one of us, be sure to take advantage of it. All the skills you need to be a good lover are the same ones you need to be a good cook. Hand strength, sensuality, enjoyment of colors and textures and things in your mouth, stamina, and a strong creative drive. All good things in bed. We did have an outstanding time, and thank god we were a bit better fit physically than the last person I slept with, who was an amazing lover and would do anything I asked but who didn’t have the presence or the stamina of this one. Some people are spirit-focused, and some are body-focused somehow. I am more spirit-focused but my spirit channels physically during sex so it works out really (really :o)) well. But my last partner was too depleted in spirit and therefore really at a disadvantage sexually in a lot of ways. This newer guy is less experienced but stronger and more physically focused (and nice biceps and tattoos too by the way, yummy). Not so spiritual but a pretty gentle person anyway, and not in any of the inconvenient ways. But good sex will always come again, and maybe we’ll be friends or business partners at some point. That’s cool too. You never know what life will offer. If you find out, though, do let me know.

So I was cruising online tonight, just sex, nothing major. And I saw this ad for "submissive male seeking dominant female". I passed it up because, to be honest, I'm tired of doing so much work. Sure I HAVE a whip, but really it's nice on occasion when I'm slaying dragons at work all day to just have someone else take some initiative. I'm pretty hot on my own--surely you don't need me to abuse you into getting off. Not that I don't like games; I don't mean to leave that impression. I'm just a little tired of making that much effort lately, particularly following a labor-intensive, boundary-limited friendship that ended not long ago and which I do not aim to repeat.

So anyway, I went back to the ad just out of curiosity, and because I do like games that much. So it turned out it was just some guy "not into pain" who basically wanted to be, well, a reasonably considerate lover. News flash: pleasing your woman does not make you submissive, and eating pussy doesn't make you one. Pain, on the other hand: now you're talking power plays and submission. Who lets these people breed anyway?

Hi I'm Alysa. I'm in a small club of the most man-dating omnisexual people ever. We don't have T-shirts but maybe if I get organized enough with this blog we'll get some; yay techie friends who can walk and chew gum at the same time and even make me a blog. If Mom could see me now!

So you know all those stories on Sex and the City? And how almost no one believed they would happen in real life but they were so compelling because there was some part of you that thought from your own ridiculous dating experiences (you know that ONE date you can't even believe happened?) that there was a chance in hell that date on SAC could happen to YOU? Yeah, that's my life. I am on match.com, and though I have some experience with other venues, I have to say match is where it's at. Oddly they have like the worst tech support ever, but if you want to know how to get a date, you can take your lessons from the good profiles on there....and the bad profiles on there, and I recommend that you do.

Mine kicks ass and I always meet really nice people, and if you think the two aren't causally related, you're way off your rocker. Some of the nice people I meet, you'll get to know on here. Some of the rejects (there are occasionally rejects when you go through as many people as I do) you'll also get to know on here. Keep in mind that although I have a pretty good imagination, I won't put anything on here that's not true to the best of my understanding. I also try to be fair in my characterizations, even if someone I go out with is a complete ass to me. After all, we're all doing the best we can. If we could do better and create less drama and more peace in our lives, then we'd be doing that. Thanks Gloria and Jimmy for that insight.

So, the fact is, I date A LOT of people. I'm not against my own company; I'm super fun actually. But I have an enormous amount of relational energy and I love people, and dating doesn't wear me out like it does a lot of people--well, it does occasionally, but when it does I just go home. It seems though, from talking to people, that I can do more of it than other people without getting reeeeeaaaaallly bitter or burnt out. I like getting to know people and what they want out of life, and I'm not gonna lie, this is maybe the only kind of legal field work where you get to have sex in the research process and where you have a potential of getting really awesome relationships out of the deal. It's pretty sweet. Men who read this may think I'm getting it pretty good too since I'm "not the man" and "not paying", because trust me when I say I've talked to A LOT of men who say they finally went on match because dating was getting too expensive. I hear that. And let me say if someone doesn't seem appreciative, you shouldn't be taking them out, and if you find that you already are taking them out, you should feel free in this day and age unless you picked the place or specifically asked her? out to not pay for her meal. (By the way for the sake of not typecasting gender here I will in general use the "them" term when it's useful even though it will rankle the eyelobes of English majors the world over). On the other hand, most of the time you should plan on paying because you probably booby trapped yourself already into it via the aforementioned social customs. But guess what? That's why you don't go out with her again. Same goes for you, ladies.

Regardless of what end of the date you're on, chalk up the failure of a good date to you not being quite perceptive enough yet to attract someone more grateful and wowed by you, get in your own head and figure out what it is about you that's attracting less than grateful or gracious people (which may very well include your inability to get excited about your own life or to take a true interest in others'), go back THAT NIGHT and adjust your profile to be more positive, take the time you need to regroup (and NOT enough, by the way, to convince yourself "they're all like that"), and then get back in the game. And Date Hosts, if you REALLY want to stop paying for dates, we women would LOVE it if you would take an ACTIVE role in ENSURING pay equity in your workplace and the country in general.

A few related fun facts:
1. Did you know that Switzerland only instituted women's suffrage in 1990(1?), but instituted an Equal Rights and pay Act in the 1970's? Before you get all huffed up about us letting women go out at night (although we still get raped if we do, just so you know...how different is that from North Korea? I'm sure I don't know) and voting waaaaaay before Switzerland did, take a moment to realize the U.S. STILL has no ERA. Progress indeed. Women are raised to be selfless, generous people. We want to take you to dinner, guys. It's the simplest math ever for you to know why we can't. Do the math, don't overextend yourself in your dating offers, and get to know your lady friends. And know that if we all moved to Nevada, we could be making some serious dough, so if you want sex, you should be prepared to buy a girl a steak.

2. Feminists have been studied (roll eyes here) and proven to have way better sex than less (wow is there no good term to use here) "liberated" women. WHY?, the Cro-Magnons may ask? Because we will rock your socks in bed, know how to get what we need, don't always need you to give it to us, and will take you to edges you didn't know existed. You can be way freer, guys, with a feminist woman, and you probably don't even know what I'm talking about since America is so full of requiring very strict gender roles for guys, so get out there and find you a woman who lives in her mind and in her body and knows how hot she is in a wrinkled T-shirt. You'll be glad you did. If you don't believe me about the studies, look it up online. And if you think we won't play all those games in bed that you've had in your mind and couldn't figure out who to play them with, think again. The only way you'll ever find a woman strong enough to deal with your fantasies and really get into them without getting scared and retreating (or, dread, "laying there") and asking you if her ass looks fat in her jeans is if you get yourself straight and go find you a good feminist.

Enough said. So some of my stories to start with are going to be retroactive. I know that's a little lame, but I've been working like a dog in general lately so haven't paid much good attention to my match respondents, not to mention I'm dating some that are more the traveling business type right now. They all want my phone number of course, but you wouldn't believe the weirdness that can ensue and I find it's good to wait a bit on phone numbers. At any rate, I'm a very gracious respondent, but I have had to slow down a bit now that the holidays are over. But here's the bummer side-effect of that: today I'm off and today I'm by myself. Lame. Don't get me wrong. I'm super cool and outstanding company, but I don't really need that much time alone and I learn less about myself alone than I do with other people's input...and my main objective in life is to learn shit. In case you're wondering, I've already done loooads of meditating, so the lack of self-reflection or accumulated quiet time is sooo not the issue. It's actually enormous self-reflection that's made me realize my inner life is rich enough at all moments that I don't need that much time to myself. Also I have awesome relational gifts that can be best utilized with other people around. So there;).

Actually, though, I usually have enormous numbers of dates, per match.com's genius (and often despite its exceedingly poor tech support). I understand it's much easier for breeder women on there than breeder men, and because I'm cheap and I'm not in a location with 8 million LGBTQ's, I opt not to double post/spend for women. I look for relationships, pure and simple, and for a million different reasons I find it easier to meet women offline than to meet men offline, and I find it easiest and safest to meet men online.

All for now. I should really clean my house before it eats me. Peace out.